Kilmer 2008: Third Runner-Up

Choices
by Peter Day, CC '12

Oh Bulbasaur
With your giant head
and hunched back legs
you look like a turquoise frog
with skin cancer
and an enormous tumor
like a moldy Hershey kiss on your back

You whip people with vines
which creepy fanboy writers
make good use of
in their S and M
and tentacle rape inspired
slash fiction.

Oh Squirtle,
with your tiny T-rex hands
you're more like a dinosaur than Bulbasaur
that was just bad designing.

You wiggle your tail
this next part's in parentheses
(that looks like what happened
when I rolled my silly puddy
into a spiral
and pretended it was a cinnamon roll
and pulled the end away
so it got all stretched in the middle)
end parentheses
and so the appendage trembles
and it looks so pathetic
that your opponents relax their guard
creating an opening
so you can throw up on them
a stream of clear cool vomit
like a geyser
or something else that's phallic.

Oh Charmander
your tail was on fire
so I rushed for a watering can
to save you from the flames.

I doused you with water as pure
as a mountain stream full of pure water
killing you instantly.

This next part is a haiku.
How do I pick one?
I'll be a dick about it.
Gary, you chose first.

Winner
1st Runner-Up
2nd Runner-Up
Three Dishonorable Mentions