Monday, October 01, 2007

Whip Email: Meeting 4

Even in a great herd of cows and calves, the mother cow will recognize
the cry of her calf, above all others. Just so, the True Shabad [word]
resonates truly, and is easily distinguished from the false.
-Guru Granth Sahib [foundational text of Sikhism]

The indictment states that the group committed arsons with improvised
incendiary devices made from milk jugs, petroleum products and
homemade timers in a series of attacks in the five states. The
indictment alleges that the group claimed to be acting on behalf of
ALF [Animal Liberation Front] and ELF [Environmental Liberation

ALF? What the fuck kind of name for a terrorist organization is ALF?!
Oooh I'm really fucking scared. ALF. Gimme a fucking break. Did we
really run out of good names that fast?
-Everyone, upon reading the above

The PHILOLEXIAN SOCIETY invites you, cordially, to the FOURTH DEBATE

RESOLVED: Vegetarians don't care as much about animals as they say.

JD Satow room (fifth floor of Lerner Hall)
AT 8:30 PM,
ON Thursday, October 4.

Refreshments to precede the meeting--bloody, wriggling refreshments.
Old and new members welcome alike.

Be there or be consumed by Self Doubt (which, you'll find out, is the
witty nom-de-plume of a cannibal/serial killer who's been baiting your
local newspaper with letters to the editor about how he'll never be
caught). He's wrong--they catch him. Small comfort to you when
seeing his blood-bespattered visage gets your heart stuck in your
throat, a mere hour before it goes smoothly through his, washed down
by a fine Beaujolais.


...and that's DOCTOR Whippersnapper to you!

Also, please note the difference between complimentary and
complementary. People trying to get on your good side are
complimentary. Free toilet paper, unless it's somehow developed a
mouth (in which case, woe betide us all) can only be complEmentary
with an E. This message will remain on my whip-list until I see a
change or until another error takes its place.

Whip email: Meeting 3

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point
out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a
half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.
-Dream of the Endless

Gone are the skin-centric, tummy-revealing and possibly private
part-exposing trends that Spears and friends like Paris Hilton made
ubiquitous. Instead, designers are embracing modesty, using sheer
fabrics and lingerie looks to [sic] subtly hint at sexiness. (AP

Man it's really hot under all this clothing. I wish I were naked so I
wouldn't be so hot.
-Preemption of BOTHERSOME CHILDREN intending deliberately to
misconstrue the meaning of the resolution (which follows).

The PHILOLEXIAN SOCIETY invites you, cordially, to the THIRD DEBATE

RESOLVED: Naked People are much hotter than clothed people

JD Satow room (fifth floor of Lerner Hall)
AT 8:30 PM,
ON Thursday, September 27.

Refreshments to precede the meeting.
Old and new members welcome alike.

Be there or that persistent nightmare in which you stand at the
podilectern, not wearing pants but not realizing it, and cringing at
the laughter around you, shame looming so large in your mind that
understanding cannot possible come in, will prove true--but also with,
like, wolverines and stuff thrown in, as well.


...and that's DOCTOR Whippersnapper to you!