I like my women like I like my coffee...

I like my women like I like my coffee…

• hot and black
• light and sweet
• Ethiopian
• in the morning, in bed
• simple and earthy, but with exciting, nutty undertones
• tall, non-fat
• hand-picked from among the finest in the world
• in the kitchen
• raised on the shady slopes of the South American countryside
• shared among several coworkers at the office
• artificially sweet, cold as ice
• intensely, but without ever admitting dependency
• from a small, independent and communally operated farm
• in my lap, as I scream out violently, clutching my genitals in agony
  
• bitter, possibly older than originally believed
• in the car, on the way to work, not like a lazy gold-digging bitch, Diane!
• full of vodka
• cheap, available on various street-corners in the wee hours of the morning
• covered in whipped cream and chocolate sauce... what?
  
• the product of hasty and distracted teenagers, brought into the world with little fanfare and abandoned without so much as a name
• …in the sense that I don’t actually find myself that interested in coffee these days, and that I think I might maybe like to start drinking tea…

This Week in Books

The New York Times Hardcover Fiction Bestseller List, 12/23/07, with descriptions partially imported from the analogous entries in the Children’s Picture Book Bestseller List of the same week.

1 T IS FOR TRESPASS, by Sue Grafton. Luke Skywalker must contend with a woman who has stolen Lord Vader’s identity in order to take advantage of Luke’s elderly neighbor.

2 THE DARKEST EVENING OF THE YEAR, by Dean Koontz. Goldilocks, who rescues golden retrievers, and one special dog she takes in, are shadowed by three bears.

3 FOR ONE MORE DAY, by Mitch Albom. The entire universe gets a last chance to reconnect and restore its relationship with a baby.

4 DOUBLE CROSS, by James Patterson. Troy Bolton and his new girlfriend, a “freaky math girl,” confront a Washington killer who boasts of his killings in a scrapbook based on the movies.

5 A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS, by Khaled Hosseini. A friendship between two mice in Afghanistan against the backdrop of 30 years of war.

6 WORLD WITHOUT END, by Ken Follett. Animals seem to move when you flip the page in Kingsbridge, the medieval English cathedral town at the center of Follett’s “Pillars of the Earth.”

7 STONE COLD, by David Baldacci. Members of Washington’s Camel Club are being stalked to prevent them from uncovering Narnia.

8 THE CHOICE, by Nicholas Sparks. How a North Carolina man stands up for his favorite color, which is purple.

9 PLAYING FOR PIZZA, by John Grisham. An American third-string quarterback joins the Alphabet.

10 HOME TO HOLLY SPRINGS, by Jan Karon. The Mitford character Father Tim returns to his native town to reconnect with snowmen, snowflakes and other seasonal images.