Kilmer 2010: Dishonourable Mention ("How I Got Rich off of Cheese Derivatives")

How I Got Rich off of Cheese Derivatives

or: They May Say it's Unnatural, but You Were Born This Way, Honey!

or: Velveeta is My Flava Fave and You Can, Too.

by Lucy Sun CC'11

In 2002, the FDA determined that Velveeta could no longer call itself “cheese” on its packaging because this was not, in fact, accurate. Velveeta is now packaged and sold in the U.S. as a “Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product.” Enough exposition! And now, poem.

Velveeta, light of my life, fire of my loins.

Even if it cost me all of my coins,

I would still spring you from the whorehouse that is the grocery store.

Because, baby, baby, baby, oh, I want more.

Vel. Veet. Ta. They say you are not cheese,

Nothing but pre-processed sin.

But my love for you is 100% real, bitch please,

And also from Wisconsin.

Damn Velveeta, you a classy broad

I miss you when I go abroad

Wish I could make some Velveeta fondue

Oh baby, I wish you would do...me.

Velveeta, stop teasing. Let me open up your package, quick.

To find a long, hard, orange brick.

Although you can only get hard if you’re really cold,

I don’t mind fitting to your kinky mold.

I’m just gonna need a bigger fridge.

Velveeta, when I graduate from college,

I’ll take your bricks and build a house out of you.

We’ll move to Alaska, where I’ll live, nay, BE, inside of you.

In the imagery used so far, you possess both man and lady parts.

Because, Velveeta, you’re MORE than a woman. You’re a work of art.

Oh Velveeta, the things I want to do you to you. I’m scheming,

To lay you down on a bed of macaroni that’s steaming

And heat you up until you’re creaming.

If you were a sentient being,

I’m sure that you’d be screaming.

Because I am good in bed.

You’d also be screaming because you’d be cooking on a stovetop on medium heat.

...but isn’t it nice?

And if anyone asks me

If I’d rather give up oral sex or cheese

I’ll consider the question moot—

I’ll have my Velveeta and eat it , too!

WILL: Damn Honeybee, you a crazy chick!

LUCY: Shut the fuck up and suck my dick!

And when you come back,

You better come back with a sandwich.

WILL: Velveeta, you make a great sandwich,

And I’ll always have it ready for my favorite bitch.

LUCY: [takes a bite] What!