Oh, The Sex You’ll Have!
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)
by Samantha Kuperberg, BC ‘10
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Sex!
You’re off and away!
With your brain in your head
And your dick in a box
You’ll do it on a boat
With a goat
And a fox!
You’ll have oodles and noodles and poodles of sex
In a fying car!
Atop a T-Rex!
On a large metal tanker
On a whitewashed fence
On a stack of bibles
In the biblical sense
You’ll try new positions
Like “Cat in the Hat”
Or “Yertle the Turtle”
If you’re into that.
A three-way, a four-way, a five-way or twelve
An orgy, a floorgy—you’re sure to excel!
Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.
You may wear twenty condoms
But despite how you try
You can get an STD
Or worse—an STI!
There are bumps and lumps in store for you
Herpes, the clap, and syphilis, too!
And maybe a baby—you silly dunce:
Condoms are great—but not twenty at once!
You can get so confused
They said they were clean
And that you were sexy
And that they were 18
You can start to run down
At a break-necking pace
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place:
The Waiting place.
Waiting for a train to go
Or a bus to come.
Waiting for a syphilis test
Or Babeland to open
Or a call back
From the clinic
With your syphilis test.
Everyone just waiting.
Waiting for the mail to come
Or a bus to go
Or those syphilis results...
They’d—they’d call if there was something wrong, right?
I mean, like, they wouldn’t wait this long if it was positive, right? Right?
Everyone just waiting.
No! That’s not you!
You’ll rush right back in
Once more you’ll ride high
Using two kinds of lube
’Cause you’re that kind of guy
You’ll use whips and chains
You’ll show them your stuff
It’s as if you’re Duffman
And your sex is Duff
And do give directions
If they’re planning to drive
You want them to come
But, also, arrive.
Oh, the sex you’ll have! There is fun to be done!
You’ll go straight past first, and score a home run!
And when you’re out there, with your bat and your ball,
You will have sexy sex—the sexiest of all.
Fame! You’ll be famous—not a bit, but the most
Remember your time with that fox and that goat?
You’ll be on display from sea to sea
With the whole wide world watching on TV
The late-night HBO special titled “Three’s Company”—
Except when they don’t.
Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that sometimes
You’ll play lonely games, too,
With a bottle of lotion
And a sock ... but no shoe.
All alone!
Though it’s quite unintentional
All of your ladies
Have become two-dimensional.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
You’ll meet things that scare you back into your pants.
But on you will go
Though your ego is scarred
On you will go
Though it’s long ... and it’s hard.
You’ll take it all in
You’ll fill up your cup
’Cause Philos don’t abstain—
They’re just hard up.
On you will go
You will hike through the night
With just your canteen
And your trusty fleshlight
And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed!
Ninety-eight metrick fucktons guaranteed.
Kid, you’ll hike the Appalachian trail!
So, be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Merman
Or Jacob Mohammed Siddhartha O’Sherman
You’re off to great sex! Today is your day!
Your maintain is waiting— Now go and get laid.
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